Thursday, February 19, 2009

hate + love: a waitress's tale


"Ma'am? Excuse me. Uh, ma'am?"

Surely the mid- to late-thirtysomethings at Table 52 aren't beckoning ME. I look over my shoulder - perhaps there's an older woman standing behind me with whom they'd like to speak? The guy with salt-n-pepper hair gives a little wave. Oh. They DID mean me.

"Um, yeah?" I say.

"Is it okay if we write on this menu?"

I think, It is clearly NOT okay if you write on the menu. Do you see little check marks next to each tapas item? Did I supply you with a pen and pencil? Would you walk into No. 9 Park or even the Butcher Shop and start scribbling all over their menu? What kind of animal are you?

"Sure," I say instead, since he has already started sullying it up with red ink. "Of course. Go right ahead."

I head to the service bar to collect their mojitos.

"Dude, Table 52 called me ma'am," I lament to the barback.

"They didn't mean it, Kitty. They didn't mean it," he consoles me.

"I don't care. I now hate them."


"Here are your mojitos," I say, careful to conceal my contempt as I hand them their drinks. "Did you have any questions? Are you ready to order?"

"Hey," the salt-n-pepper guy says, "You look just like that woman in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Know who I'm talking about?" he says. His companions, two men with accents and a pretty brunette woman, nod and murmur "Yes...she does...mmm-hmmm."

"You mean the blonde chick?" I say. "Scarlett Johannson?"

"Yes! Scarlett Johannson," he says.

"That's a pretty hefty compliment," I say, "She's pretty hot. She's also one of my favorite actresses."

"Yup, you look just like her," he says. Then, to his friends: "You know, she's the most beautiful woman in the world according to this magazine I just read." They nod and murmur "Yes...Scarlett Johannson is the most beautiful woman in the world and our waitress looks exactly like her...mmm-hmmm."

And just like that I love them.


Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Love's like that.

I'm impressed. Scarlet is gorge.

Anonymous said...

That's great validation. Blondes really DO have more fun! Yay for comparisons to hot blonde actresses!

Anonymous said...

May I ask what is wrong with saying ma'am? I'm from Texas and was taught to call folks sir and ma'am when I don't know them from Adam.

Anonymous said...

Haha. I hate those love/hate customers. They can so easily piss you off, then turn right around and make you smile. I'm still bitter towards them though!

Pete G said...


Hope this blog isn't on its way out. I've enjoyed reading it for the past couple years.


Kitty said...

Thanks, Pete G.! No, you haven't heard the last of me yet, it's just been a busy, busy hectic, hell of a month. I am mortified to note it's over a month since my last post! Shame on me...

Anonymous said...

I'm 17 now but when I was around 12-13 I was called ma'am.

Dun worry bout it.

Ares said...

Did they leave u a fat tip?...that woulda been icing on the cake lol

Download Music said... least they didnt ask you to write on the menus..then say u look like a plain jane and not leave a

Kitty said...

They left a really nice tip :) And you're tight, I'll take being compared to Scarlett anyday.