A Different Kind of Undercover Blonde: An Interview with Double Agent Shallon Lester

To the casual reader of this blog, it might appear that I am a hater of the opposite sex. This couldn't be further from the truth. I love boys, I just hate it when they act like total choads.

Thankfully, there are other like-minded women out there who have set their sites on making a difference, like Shallon, a correspondent for the dude-centric website, DoubleAgent.com. In real life, Shallon is a gossip reporter for the New York Daily News, and an author. As an undercover agent, Shallon offers advice to guys on everything from dating to dressing to how not to act like a total gorilla all the time and maybe get a date with an awesome girl through frequent posts to her DoubleAgent.com vlog. And she's hilarious. I caught up with this undercover blonde recently and asked her a few questions about her blondeness.

KITTY: What do you think it means to be a natural blonde? Are you one?

SHALLON: Any blonde worth her peroxide will INSIST that yes of course she's au natural. Which I am. Of course. Scientists say that men subconsciously view blondes as more attractive because they are more rare, and thus more valuable. So ladies, since we don't have to worry about "brunette issues" like plucking our unibrow and mustache, remember to use your seductive powers for good, not evil.

KITTY: Double Agent isn't your first undercover mission – you also recently went undercover as a Swedish bikini waxer who loves yorkies and auditioned to be Paris Hilton's best friend. Did you use blondeness to your advantage for either "assignment"? How about in your role as a gossip columnist for the New York Daily News?

SHALLON: No one can resist a blonde, not even a fellow blondie like Paris Hilton. When I'm interviewing celebrities I can get away with more playing the ditz and acting like I had no clue my question might be inflammatory or offensive. But I'll just use my hair as bait, then when they least expect it, I strike! They call me the Blonde Viper. Ok fine not really. But I really wish people would.

KITTY: Have you ever dyed your hair brown, or any other color? What was that experience like for you? If you haven't, would you?

SHALLON: I am ashamed to say once dyed my hair dark brown when I lived in Italy, so I could "blend in." Pfft! What a mistake. I looked tired and washed out and...ordinary. But I did noticed that I got fewer looks from guys but the ones who did hit on me did so with more intensity. Quality versus quantity, I guess. But I went back to golden tones because I'm in to acquisition--I collect boys as some collect Fabrege eggs.

KITTY: A study published last fall suggests that men act stupider around blonde women, subconsciously mimicking what they believe to be the lesser intelligence of a blonde woman in order to "get along with her"? Has this happened to you?

SHALLON: This study is wrong. Clearly men act dumber around us because they're so beguiled by our beauty, our wholesome Nordic looks, that they can't string together a sentence. Poor things. Who can blame them? We turn even the toughest guy into babbling little butterballs. Military interrogators would be so much more effective with some strategically placed highlights.

KITTY: Your best friend is about to dye her hair blonde for the very first time. What's the one thing you think she NEEDS to know about how her life will be different before she reaches for bleach?

SHALLON: Buy stock in condoms. :)

who makes better tips? Blondes or brunettes?

I was out of town and out of a service area this weekend, but when I returned to civilization and my IPhone refreshed, I found this query in my email inbox:

I would really appreciate your advice.
I've been looking on-line and haven't really found an answer yet, but maybe your experience can help. Do blonde's get tipped better than brunettes in a waitress position?

Well, curious reader, that's an interesting question with a complicated answer. I'm posting my thoughts here in the hopes that any other blonde waitresses (undercover or otherwise) who might happen by can chime in with theirs.

Yes, I do get bigger tips as a blonde. I think that has more to do with how I am me as a blonde than anything else. As a blonde waitress I tend to be more obsequious, affect a more bubbly demeanor, and more flirty. I can't explain why, beyond that I feel this is what is expected of me by the people who sit in my section. In the mirror of their eyes, this is how I am as a blonde.

As a brunette, I did not act as bubbly or overly friendly or super-duper-nice. When I said, "Hello, how are you this evening?" my voice came out of my throat at a lower decibel, my tone more business-like. I approached my tables with confidence and poise, and assumed a more subdued demeanor with guests. I also didn't feel compelled to smile excessively or laugh at their stupid jokes so heartily. Good, attentive service seemed enough.

Occasionally, this distanced brunette demeanor did not go over well. I've only had a table complain to a manager that I provided bad service once in the past several years; that happened while I was a brunette. What can I say? I remained polite to the high maintenance bitch, but refused to kiss her ass: as a brunette, I didn't need to. Guess she didn't like it. When I served her a few months later as a blonde, she didn't seem to remember me...and the interaction was perfectly cordial.

Then there's the whole guy thing. Undesirable characters are MUCH more likely to sexualize the customer-waitress interaction when my hair is blonde. Men of all ages, from guys who are still in college to dudes old enough to be my dad; men of all walks of life, from rugged manual-laborer types to filthy rich guys who pay with a black AmEx; men of all stripes, from quietly classy to full-blown, downright, sexual harrassers. Do they tip me better? Maybe; unless I waited on them as a brunette, I have no way to compare. Is it worth a few extra bucks to feel totally objectified and mildly embarrassed every time I have to offer someone a drink or take away a plate? Not really. Then there are times when a guy at a table will have a few too many, make a total ass out of himself, and really humiliate me with his behavior, only to tip a paltry 15% or less. That's totally degrading, one of the shittiest feelings I've had to sustain in this line of work.

I distinctly remember approaching my first table of the night within a few days of dying my hair back to blonde. I looked up, saw two rugged, manly-looking man-men who were totally out of place in the high end South End establishment where I am employed (they asked for Michelob Light), and sighed. Shit, I thought. I have to go flirt with those guys right now and I really am just not in the mood. Then I realized what I'd just said to myself: Oh my God, did I really just think that???

So, in short, I do feel like I get bigger tips as a blonde. But are they better tips? Not so much.