Another blonde year is slipping away, and it has me feeling oh-so pensive.
The fact is, 2008 has been nothing like I'd expected. The Undercover Blonde book proposal was shipped out the door in January/early February and a few short months later, a LUPEC Boston book proposal was also in the works. Both were ultimately rejected by the most likely buyer.
I kept my chin up as the book publishing industry tailspinned (tailspun?) into crisis. Then capitalism tailspinned into crisis. Now it's a Depression. Or almost. Whatever it is, the economy is bad. A few weeks ago my agent dropped my book projects, a sensible move as nothing was really happening with either. But it certainly didn't seem to bode well for my humble little book projects. Or my confidence.
It's not the lack of interest in the book version of Undercover Blonde that has me down -- I work in publishing and understand entirely how that game works. What is more troubling is the fact that I'm not really sure what to do with this project anymore. I'm so goal-oriented, so planning-obsessed, you change my agenda or my end goal and I'm like a ship at sail without a captain. It's left me feeling ambivalent and worried and kind of depressed. All I want to do is listen to Studs Terkel interviews with Great Depression-survivors and contemplate exactly how little money I'll be able to live on when everything grinds to an economic halt. All fantastic excuses to not be ambitious.
Then the other day it hit me: perhaps my lack of direction stems from the fact that this project is kinda done? Undercover Blonde was born out of an identity crisis rooted in a bad break-up with my then-fiancee and deep disatisfaction with my job. Both the job and the Ex are now long gone (though vestiges of both occasionally surface, which is always fun) and I no longer feel quite as confused about who I am as I did back then. I also feel very well situated and satisfied with my current hair color, and confidently steeped in my chosen blondeness.
Is it possible that I've attained the goals I set out to achieve when I started this blog? And if that's the case, whatever shall I continue to write about?
I guess we'll always have my waitress rants. As the economy continues to suck, I am as dependent upon my waitress pennies as ever.
I suppose we'll always have Toro.