Tuesday, December 12, 2006

brown is the new blonde?

Well, it appears that “brown” is the new “blonde” in Hollywood. And it kind of has been all fall. And I couldn’t be more annoyed.

I have purposefully been avoiding the likes of People and Us Weekly for at least 8 months now, filthy rags that they are. Don’t get me wrong, I own that are fun to read, and in the past, I have consumed them voraciously. For a time, they provided a deeply satisfying sense of joy (which I now recognize as schadenfreude) in my life whenever I hunkered down with one -- plus you can read them in the time it takes to do my entire circuit on the treadmill and the elliptical machine at the gym. I stopped reading them when my girlfriend Camilla explained to me what schadenfreude actually is. The conversation went something like this:

ME: I know the technical definition of the word schadenfreude: taking pleasure in the pain suffered by others. But I don’t get it. It seems really fucked up.
CAMILLA: Yes, I know. But everyone kind of indulges in it.
ME: Really, even me?
CAMILLA: Of course.
ME: No way. OH MY GOD (gleefully) LOOK at this picture of Britney Spears’ nasty cellulite thighs on this beach that I just found on awfulpicturesoffamouspeoplelookingugly.com. Whoa. Seriously, LOOK! It’s amazing…Ummm, what were you saying?

In an attempt to salvage whatever brain cells I have left after the long restaurant industry induced party-phase that so eloquently shape my early twenties, I stopped reading those magazines some time ago. Really, if I hadn’t, this brunette thing that everyone in Hollywood is doing would not have come as such a surprise to me.

I mean, of course I've noticed the brown ‘do being sported by the likes of Cameron Diaz, Lindsay Lohan, and that awful, alien-esque Olsen twin with their new hair. But my acknowledgement of the trend has been more…peripheral these past few months. I've been too busy working way too much and gallivanting in Europe to care what those media-whores are up to. It wasn’t until this article flashed across the sidebar of my hotmail account yesterday that I realized what is actually happening:

Brown is becoming the new blonde.

I am extremely disappointed by this because I, too, am on the cusp of converting over to the dark side. I know I faked you all out with such decrees in October, and truthfully, I’m glad I didn’t do it then, because I really wasn’t ready. I needed to go to Italy as a blonde, live a few more months as a blonde, and truly get my head around what I think of myself as a blonde.

And you know what? I’m still not ready to go brown. I am just now coming to terms with the fact that regardless of what anybody else thinks, the catcallers, the strange men on the street, the many friends, the very vocal restaurant regulars, and my family members all of whom seem to like me best as a blonde, the fact remains:

I like me better as a blonde.

Nevertheless, I want to see this experiment thru to completion, and in the New Year, I plan to eradicate the blonde, cross over finally to the brunette-side and to see for at least a few months how that other half lives. Jason and I will be setting the date this week. When and how dark will remain a secret to you all—but no worries, I will post pictures.

In any case, the recent brunette trend that has been happening in Hollywood really bugs me. Now people will think I am following in the footsteps of such odious starlets as Britney, who made headlines by going brown, then back to blonde, then back to brown again over this past weekend, and idiots like Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie.

I’m telling you all, and you read it here: I had the idea first.

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