Monday, April 24, 2006

dude, where's my face

I woke up this morning and I could not move the left side of my face. Yes, that's right. The left side of my face is frozen. Here is how my thoughts went:

I am in the bathroom, brushing my teeth.

Gosh, my left molars feel kinda funny... Oh well, must be yet another cavity. Hey, what can I say, I've got soft Irish teeth. Still, if I keep going at this rate, I'm gonna have a grill like Nelly in no time.

I lean over the sink to take a mouthful of water from the faucet, swish around my mouth a little and...

SPLOOSH

Oops! Water is now everywhere, running down my chin, even dribbling in a few little renegade drops towards my neck, and also sprayed all over the counter in the Mathematician's bathroom.

Ugh. What the hell did I do that for? You'd think I just got a shot of novocaine or something. I don't usually dribble water all down my chin and all over the counter uncontrollably when I spit. I'm so gross.

Examining my face for blackheads in the mirror...

Whoa, look at those brows! Looks like I'm growing a small forest under them. I mean, I know thicker brows are in, but this is ridiculous. I can't handle growing them out, I just can't. Where the F*** are those tweezers. Those hairs are coming out RIGHT NOW. Who cares if I look a little like an old lady, pencil thin brows will be back "in"...eventually.

Pluck...Wow, that wrinkle I was developing between my brows sure looks diminished...Pluck... My new toner is no joke!...PLuck...now if only I could get at that goddamn baby hair right under my left brow...Pluck...goddamn baby hairs...

Lifting my brows in an attempt to wrest an almost invisible little baby eyebrow hair from it's follicle...

Hey...wait a minute...I'm lifting both eyebrows, but...only the right one seems to be going up...

I give myself a little old man wink with each eye, but only the left one seems to want to wink...

Dude, what's going on with my face?

Several hours (and over $80) later, I am walking out of the second CVS I had to visit today to get everything I needed, with a bag full of drugs.

According to my doctor, I have Bell's Palsy, which is a virus, related to the same virus that causes cold sores. Palsy. I have a freaking palsy. Some people get cold sores when they're stressed, I get a palsy.

I am taking:


  • prednisone (6 tabs w/ breakfast)
  • valtrex (3 a day)
  • prilosec, eye drops every hour
  • eye ointment for bedtime
  • she decided not to make me wear an eye patch (though she thought about it), and
  • I was spared having to wear special glasses or goggles,because I promised to wear my prescription glasses all day long
  • I may need to take a benadryl in order to fall asleep because prednisone is REALLY speedy
  • and I think my glasses are giving me a headache, because I usually wear them so infrequently, so I may also need to take some advil.

I am a mess.

Is this some cruel joke God is playing on me for undertaking such a vain book project?

2 comments:

east side girl said...

God is NOT playing a cruel joke on you. We'll figure this out, I promise!

Love you!

J. Allen Brown said...

Hola, I was looking at your blog and read the post about your Bells Palsy... It's funny how you found out about it, the same thing happen to me one sunday morning while getting ready for church a few years back, I was 17 years old, it SUCKED I had to wear an eye patch in school, and everyone thought it was cool for some reason.. I think IU got it b/c I'm a jogger and I was running in subzero weather.. maybe. I was only put on anit biotics tho.. and I hear it can come back about every 8 years :( I hope not... anyway, you're a great writer as well. Keep up the nice blog.